If Only

If it hadn’t happened, 
Things would be different.
If life had given me a chance, 
I might have been okay.
If the school children could have loved me, 
I would have been fine.
It did not happen,
And now it is too late.

If I had not been mocked,
Perhaps I would have been more loving.
If I had not been tormented,
Perhaps I would not have been the tormenter.
If I had not been shun,
Perhaps I would have been more open.
If I had not been heartbroken,
Perhaps I would have been mendable.

If I had listened to that preacher,
Maybe I would not have drank.
If I’d known how to trust,
Maybe I would have listened.
And if I had listened,
Maybe I would have had a chance.

I stand at the gates of heaven,
Awaiting the reckoning.
Perhaps I should have forgiven.
Maybe I should have heeded.
If only I....
But, it is too late.
The gates open, it is my turn.
The shunned that fought,
The tormented that took revenge,
Now gets the payback that perhaps
He doesn’t fully deserve.